Very strong image in the first two lines. I like the creaking chair a lot, and the obscuring. Great first theme - sounds masking each other. It does leave me wanting more about the footsteps and why they are important. 'Did silent' is a bit stiff to my eye, and 'silenced' would work just as well (I often fudge meter). The change would slow down delivery of the line, but that's not necessarily bad. Hurricanes from Gloucester silencing Boston's heart sounds like highschool sports to me. It's good fun, but the tone doesn't quite seem to match up with the first two lines.
Very strong image in the first two lines. I like the creaking chair a lot, and the obscuring. Great first theme - sounds masking each other. It does leave me wanting more about the footsteps and why they are important.
ReplyDelete'Did silent' is a bit stiff to my eye, and 'silenced' would work just as well (I often fudge meter). The change would slow down delivery of the line, but that's not necessarily bad.
Hurricanes from Gloucester silencing Boston's heart sounds like highschool sports to me. It's good fun, but the tone doesn't quite seem to match up with the first two lines.